Reflections on why I should be there.....

Please indulge me as I have been reflecting a lot on how I came to be doing this PhD. Those close to me know that I am continually questioning my academic ability and still think it was a huge mistake that I got into the University of Edinburgh in the first place.

My supervisor, Professor John Davis, took a chance on me in 2004 when he accepted me onto the BA Childhood Studies at the University of Edinburgh. At that point I seriously doubted whether I had the academic ability to complete a degree. But he believed I could so I gave it a go. I received a Merit for that degree, but still I did not believe I should be there. He then encouraged me to go onto the Masters in Childhood Studies. This took me out of the cocoon that was Moray House in the evening with 35 fellow students who were like me, working practitioners, into the 'real' university at George Square Campus with many students doing a whole variety of subjects. I really doubted myself at that point. But I made it through that degree as well. There then followed a series of qualifications with Edinburgh College to qualify me as a teacher which again I got on with and passed.

But still I did not believe I should be doing Higher Education qualifications. You might at this point, be reading this and think, for goodness sake woman, you are perfectly capable but this lack of self belief goes back to my school days. Now don't get me wrong, no one told me I wasn't clever, no one said I wasn't capable and I came out at the end with a set of 6 'O' grades and a couple of Highers. But nothing to shout about. But I was a pupil who just got on with her work and did okay, so there was never a focus on going to University, I was very much directed into the world of work. I found myself in Business Administration from office junior to Local Administrator. I was fairly successful. And I completed my HNC Business Studies. Now there was somewhere I felt I should be. That was me, successful. I was never going to go to University, so I never thought about it, never thought I was missing out on anything.

I did always have a hankering to be a teacher, but knowing I didn't have good enough grades for University so it just wasn't something I thought about. And I had a good job as the Local Administrator of a Social Work Centre. But, whilst I was confident in my role as the Local Administrator, I was never fully confident in areas such as budgeting, writing reports etc. I managed, but I was never confident. I never joined in heated debates about things, had no real opinion on politics. Was just not something I did. I just did not feel that confident in my wider knowledge of the world.

Then I had my children. I didn't suddenly become super confident or anything, but I did have the opportunity to return to study. I began a short course in childcare. This was the start of something amazing. Suddenly, I found confidence in my writing, I began (although it took a good few years) to voice my opinions on what I thought about what we were learning. Through a number of different childcare qualifications I found myself being accepted onto the BA Childhood Studies. By that point I had some experience working in childcare and had a grounding in child development theory and practice. I had always been successful in the business world, but this was different I understood this subject, I was passionate about it, I couldn't wait to learn more.

But still I felt like I shouldn't be at the University of Edinburgh, because I didn't get in with the right qualifications. I only had Higher English, no Higher Maths. And don't get me started on how I lacked in confident with maths, still do but I am not frighted of numbers any more. Where did this feeling of inadequacy come from. At school I was the middle of the road pupil. Nothing to worry about. I wasn't struggling and I wasn't amazing, so I was just left to get on with it. I worked hard, and I did okay. Not brilliant but okay. I don't blame the school environment at all, in some respects it is still the same today. Limited resources mean that often the children who are really struggling get the help and those who look like they could excel get extra support. Meaning the kids in the middle, who are doing okay get less support. I know this is not the case everywhere but often it is. I was one of those middle of the road kids.

But suddenly I had people like Prof Davis and Dr McNair telling me I was good and encouraging me to go further. Prof Davis has already been talking about what "we" can do next, once I complete my PhD. Which just blows my mind, he is the person who inspires me, can't imagine I would ever be good enough to actually do a piece of work with him. But gradually through my PhD I am growing in confidence and I am beginning to realise I am becoming that expert in my field. Quiet, Jane Robertson, who was the middle of the road child academically, is becoming an expert in the field of childhood practice. I have finally developed opinions which are supported by academic study and political discussion.

The BA Childhood Studies (now Childhood Practice) has given many people, like myself, the opportunity to go to University. People who just did okay at school. It has taken me to the point where I am reflecting in this blog to realise that everyone, given the right opportunity can reach their full potential. And that does not need to be University, this is not me saying that, but I think everyone should be given encouragement and support to reach their potential, to make their dreams a reality. I became a lecturer so I did become a teacher, my degree showed me that I had an interest in policy and legislation and now I am a Policy Manager advising the Scottish Government on early learning and childcare.

So maybe it is time that I realised I should be at University. Time to acknowledge I am an expert in my field. And to stop this "self deprecating nonsense" that Professor Davis keeps telling me I do.

We need to tell all of the children we work with in early learning and childcare, that they can reach for the stars, not just the ones who struggle and not just the ones who are amazing.

Oh and telling them that we love them is a good place to start!

Thank you for allowing my reflective indulgence.

Have a good and prosperous 2018!